Christmas Mix 2008--Round 1

So I make a Christmas mix cd every year for family & friends. It's kind of a cheap gift that keeps on giving all year long. By the way if you're with the RIAA and you're reading this please rest assured that everyone I give the cd too always promise to buy every disc from every band that I put on my mix.

Generally I fill the disc with 12 to 15 songs, stuff that I've been listening to throughout the course of the year, and since I have 3 small children and don't have the money to keep my collection up to date, it's usually music that's been out a year or two. I'm not exactly on the cutting edge anymore.

I've been putting these together since '04 and I believe Wilco has been on every version thus far. Rilo Kiley has been a favorite, as has Fountains of Wayne, Flaming Lips, and others. Last year I got into soul music so Otis Redding made an appearance as did Aretha. Amy Winehouse also made the cut.

I've got a good selection of old & new blood in mind for this year's version. Here's what I've got on the list at the moment:

Bon Iver-"Skinny Love"

Band of Horses-"No One's Gonna Love"

Death Cab for Cutie-"I Will Possess your Heart"

She & Him - "This is not a Test"

Wilco (of course) - "You are My Face"

My Morning Jacket (which I'm listening to now) - "Smokin from Shootin" & "Touch Me I' m Going to Scream Part 2"

Of course you'll be the first to know when I tack on more hits!

sappy song of the month-July '08

They're called "ear worms" or "chain lyrics." They are the songs that get stuck in your head on endless repeat and you either love or hate them. They are generally sappy pop songs and when used properly (perhaps improperly) they can be an effective form of torture.

My brother-in-law and I once spent an entire Thanksgiving Weekend trying to get the worst possible song stuck in the other person's head. He took the cake with "Wildfire."

My brother got into the act over a long Memorial Day weekend and took home the prize with a stirring rendition of Cher's immortal "Gypsies, Tramps, & Thieves."

In the spirit of those wondrous weekends and for any music lovers who have even found themselves nearly suicidal with the chorus of "Physical" running through your head, I present a new regular feature here on the Gut Wisdom blog: Sappy Song of the Month.

Take it away Hall & Oates!

So it's been awhile...

since I did this blogging thing, but you know I need something to keep my brain busy. A friend sent me a link to his latest blog post and wouldn't you know he has a link to my blog. I clicked and I read and I remember enjoying writing what I wrote.

I also know I get gung ho about stuff for about a day & a half so we'll see how long this latest blogging frenzy lasts, but I've put my wife on the case and convinced her we should have our own blog together. Hopefully if we nag and fuss at each other enough we'll both post consistently.

Maybe I won't even keep this one going, maybe the joint blog will be enough and I'll just roll all my thoughts into there. Really I hope my wife keeps the blog going on her own and keeps it full with her insights. I do love her insights.

Too many happenings since my last post to update here tonight, but I promise to keep you (mostly) up-to-date going forward.

Day 1

1) Okay, I truly know the meds are working because was I barely nervous this morning. All weekend I kept thinking "shouldn't I be nervous? I'm starting a new job on monday. After 8 years in my last job, a job I started when I was 24. I should be nervous. I'll bet I'll be nervous monday morning."

Monday morning came, and I was queasy for a moment, but that was more than likely due to the four beers and fried chicken I had for dinner last night than it was due to nerves. I was relaxed all day as my head was loaded with Excel formulas and whatnot. This job feels so different from the job I just quit. A whole different world. Don't know how long the feeling will last--after all even silver linings are attached to clouds--but I'm it enjoying while it does.

2) Since I haven't blogged in a week I have to update you on my goings-on. My happenings. My life. . . . All I can think of at the moment was that Leslie and I went to see Children of Men on Friday and it was friggin' awesome. Alfonso Cuaron (spelling?) is quickly becoming one of my favorite directors, someone whom I will see everything he does.

The movie was powerful yet subtle, and remains with me still. The type of movie where you walk out of the theater and are surprised that its still 2007 and not 2027. On the drive home I kept expecting to come upon a fiery roadblock or encounter a military convoy. Yesterday at the supermarket I saw an older guy with long hair (like Michael Caine's character in the film) and I started to get a little twitchy when he got in line behind me.

3) I guess I'm obligated to say something about my last week / day at my old job, but there isn't much to say. I've quit so many times in my mind--literally imagined collecting my belongings and saying goodbye--that the real end was anticlimatic. I kept expecting to get sentimental, but nothing ever came. I truly was done. I quit that job the day I got diagnosed with Crohn's, last week just made it official. I knew the place was making me sick and now it can't.

Yet, I'm gonna miss a lot of the people. The people were good it was just a bad situation. Mostly though I miss my innocence. My naivety. Being 24 and thinking that a job in publishing would be the job of my dreams. I needed to lose my innocence and I'm still too naive for my own good, but there's something to be said for those qualities, especially in a world where the dystopia of Children of Men doesn't seem too far off.

Peace.

By Popular Demand

I really wasn't going to blog anymore.

My first two months of blogging were fueled by the stresses of Crohn's Disease, life with New Baby, and a bad job. Since then I've gotten my Crohn's under control, fallen in love with Baby Emma (impossible not to), and GOTTEN A NEW JOB.

That's right, it finally happened. Right before Christmas I got a great offer with a Search Enginie Optimization company here in Charlottesville. I start next monday, fantastic.

Needless to say, the stress has been alleviated somewhat.

That said, life with 3 kids--especially two 4-year old boys--creates its own stress, so I'll pretty much always have material to write about and the creative fuel to do so. It's finding the time to do it that will now be the major obstacle.

However, my diehard fans (Leslie and my dad) have been clamoring for a new post and I hate to disappoint.

Translation: I'm back to blogging, but I can't vouch for the regularity or content. Just keep checking back and hopefully I'll be able to entertain more than infuriate.

Right now I'm just enjoying this "2 weeks notice" period of my life, walking around with office with a smile on my face and a bounce to my step as my co-workers curse that's it me and not that making the getaway.

The Reason for the Season

I don't want to be another blog fatality--one of those who post wholeheartedly for a month and then drop off the face of the blogosphere--but it's so darn hard to be productive this time of year. And on top of that I'm tired. Like really tired. Like the kind of tired I was before I started taking meds for the Crohn's--that is before I knew I had Crohn's. And I'm sick again. Don't know if its just allergy / sinus stuff or a cold. Hopefully it won't be as bad as Thanksgiving, but I'm popping Vitamin C just in case.

I'm not at all depressed about Christmas this year as I have been in past years, and as I've written about in a previous post. I think there are a number of reasons for this:

1) I'm on Lexapro (an anti-anxiety medication)
2) I'm now aware of my annual Yuletide sullenness so it can't catch me off guard
3) The book about Advent I'm reading Watch for the Light is helping me get my spiritual fix.
4) The boys are just so into Christmas. Their enthusiasm is contagious, and I love to get them presents.
5) Two words: Baby Emma.
6) Maybe it's because of the drugs (both anti-anxiety & anti-Crohn's) but I'm just happy these days. I'm feeling a little bit of Matty G.-ness that I haven't felt in a while.
7) I'm out of excuses about my job. No more waiting to see if it gets better. I've gotten honest about the situation and am actively seeking other employment.

Pretty good list. I told you I'm into lists.

In short, I'm liking Christmas this year and that's good, but I'm still not sold on it. My wife and I host a Christmas Eve open house every year at our home, and though I enjoy them, I never look forward to them. I think if I wasn't both sick & tired I'd be more excited about this one, but I just want to sit and hold the baby or watch tv or read a book or blog. I don't want to get the house ready for a party and I don't want to host a party. Maybe I got sick & tired just to get out of this stuff.

Worst of all, I can't even drink. Can't even down the old social lubricant of alcohol. I mean, I can drink, but if I have more than a beer or two I will suffer.

I'll come around to the party. Today is thursday. tomorrow is friday. My company is giving us the week off next week. tomorrow at 5pm I'll be ready for a good time. I'll be in what my wife calls "Vacation Daddy" mode, but right now I'm just waiting for it to kick in.

Light-Bulb Moment

Clearly the claims about Iraq's connection to 9-11 and the supposed "mushroom cloud" that awaited us if we didn't get rid of Saddam were lies, but what was the truth? Obviously, since the End of Oil looms we wanted control of Iraq's vast oil reserves so we could control the power and $$ that comes with oil.

What I didn't get until reading this article was that, more than the oil reserves, we want to maintain the U.S. dollar as the main source of currency in the oil market. If most oil-producing countries switch to the Euro as their currency of choice it would grossly deflate the value of the dollar. Iraq had done just that, and Iran is threatening to do that now with the potential ramifications to our economy worse than if they launched "a direct nuclear attack."

Since deposing Saddam we've reinstated the dollar as Iraq's oil currency. Will we invade Iran to do the same thing?

"Daddy's Awesome"

I've been trying to get my boys to do the "Daddy's Awesome" chant. You know the kind of chant you hear at sporting events: "Daddy's Awesome" (dun dun DUN DUN DUN) "Daddy's Awesome" (dun dun DUN DUN DUN). They've yet to acquiesce although this morning Seth did admit that he'd realized that Daddy is awesome.

Daddy is awesome, and for the first time I'm okay with just being known as "Daddy." Let me explain.

My last year of college I saw Pulp Fiction and promptly decided to skip the next semester so I could write a screenplay. The screenplay was not completed that semester as planned. Nor was it completed the following summer when I told a friend that I felt I had to finish it or I would be a "failure."

I did however finish college the following fall and promptly moved from Kalamazoo, Michigan to Charlottesville, Virginia to become a writer. Having shelved that original, unfinished screenplay, I swiftly went to work on another piece that again meant failure if I didn't finish it and get it made into a movie. Surprisingly or not, I got sidetracked, and never got past the first draft.

Since then, I've launched into several make or break projects. At least two novels, a couple more screenplays, one or two nonfiction ideas, and a handful of hot business ideas, have all been started feverishly and all have ended limply. I've already started to lose interest in the memoir I announced I'd be writing right here in this blog. The only things I've completed in the past 12 years are a few poems and a handful of short stories.

Does that mean I'm a failure? Or does that mean I have a warped sense of success?

A day or two ago I would have answered yes to the first question and no to the second. Today the opposite is true.

Ever since that day I walked out the theatre after having my life transformed by Pulp Fiction I've been convinced that I had to do something bold, something big to make a difference in the world. I had to write a screenplay that would move people to tears and get them thinking. I had to produce a novel that would garner acclaim, awards, and money. Lately, I've been convinced that if I didn't either create a hit screenplay or launch a fantastic business, I'd never be able to give my family the life of their dreams.

On top of that, I felt it was my spiritual destiny to do something big and bold to wake people up and make them realize that life is right in front of us if we'd only open our eyes.

Talk about pressure. No wonder I could never finish anything. I'm like a first-round draft pick with tons of potential who has a decent but not great career and is written off as a failure simply because I couldn't live up to expectations that were unrealistic.

Well now the pressure off. I'm benching myself, pulling myself from a game I've only been half-heartedly playing even though I thought it meant everything. No more grandiose projects with ridiculous deadlines and expectations. If I write anything it will be for me, for my sanity. Not to fulfill some sort of imagined destiny or spiritual path.

Being a husband and father is my spiritual path. I have a beautiful, loving wife and amazing kids and they deserve better than a husband and dad whose only half-there because I'm dreaming up my next big thing. I've been dreaming up the next big thing for the past 12 years as an escape from real life, because real life was too hard, not as much fun as advertised, and damned challenging. I've always been afraid to fail, but by not forcing myself to face life head-on I've failed more than myself.

My kids don't care if daddy writes a bestseller. They just want me to watch Power Rangers with them, wrestle with them, and be there in the night when they have a bad dream. My wife doesn't care if I write a screenplay so long as I'm in the here and now as husband, partner, and friend.

Maybe someday I'll write that screenplay, that novel, or that memoir. Maybe all three. For the moment though, I'm happy to be daddy, happy to stop running away from myself, happy to set my feet firmly in the present, roll up my sleeves and start whacking away at the challenges and joys real life is offering me.